Knowing

You can hammer both your feet to the cross, you can hammer your left hand to the cross..... who hammer your remaining hand to the cross?

As i grow older in age, i learn more about myself and the different people around me. Have you ever noticed how people are sometimes so different from you? Gosh!..... I hate it when people tell me that not everyone is like me.....(trust me, I do. I have far too many people telling me that.) Kinda thank God also that not everyone is like me, imagine, the thousands of Jecys around, and the Raysons scream! heheheh.... making people do work, getting things in order, efficiency is the rule, claw up some people, save the children, go rock climbing! Actually..... it wouldn't be such a bad idea after all..... ;)

Anyway, i've been wondering, do people learn about themselve more than they try to make people to be like them? You know how sometimes you wish some people would change, and yet each time you try to make them change, it's still the same? Kinda frustrating.....

Only in the past year i began to discover and realize the different personalities that exist. Not that i never noticed before, but it just didn't dawned unto me till then, that it is important to realize the different personalities that exist and respect it. You better do! So you'll stop wondering why you keep knocking into walls.

Drawing to my colourful working life, out of comfort of things familiar to me, I began noticing the different personalities. There opened my life to another world, a world of learning human behaviour and respecting it. From there, I learn about the people around me. The people that I know, the people that I spend time with, the people that I hang out with, the people that I chat with....they are all different from me one way or another. Its kinda interesting when you take time and think about it. God makes us all unique, and yet each one us are made in His image.

Yesterday I took a personality test in Facebook. Here's what it says about my personality.......

“The determined realist likes to bear responsibility and welcomes challenges. She is a stable, reliable person. External contacts are very important to her; she mixes well and is very active. She is an excellent organiser and is very happy when things are done correctly and punctually; she can quickly react impatiently if others are not as conscientious, orderly and dutiful as she is. She prefers structured work which produces visible results quickly to abstract, long-drawn-out processes. She has no problem with routine as long as it serves efficiency. However, she very much dislikes unexpected and unpredictable occurrences which mess up her careful plans. Once she has committed herself to a cause she does this with dedication and is willing to make considerable sacrifices for it.

The determined realist does not avoid conflicts and criticism but faces up to them and looks for solutions. As she has a keen eye for the errors and shortcomings of others and is often quick at expressing criticism, she sometimes rubs people up the wrong way especially when she loses her temper and jumps to conclusions. Due to her marked sense of justice she is quickly willing to correct herself and never takes offence if someone speaks to her frankly. You do not have to seek hidden motives with her; you always know where you are. The determined realist is often found in executive positions as she combines commitment, competence and the ability to assert herself. In her spare time, she often also accepts responsibility in clubs and other institutions.

Traditions rate highly with the determined realist. She attends every family event and never forgets a birthday or wedding anniversary. Family and friends are very important to her. With her open, communicative manner, she finds it easy to get to know people and has a large circle of friends and acquaintances. She is never superficial, but a reliable and loyal friend who is always there when she is needed. The determined realist takes her relationships very seriously - she dreams of finding a partner for life. In a relationship, she seeks above all stability and loyalty and here, too, she is willing to invest a lot in a harmonious togetherness. She masters crises or difficult phases with composure; she would never think of breaking a promise given. As a partner, one can always rely on her support “

I find it almost 90% true of what I read about my personality. I tested it out with some people i know and i began to see why i just somehow couldn't reach certain people.... my guess is that we're just different. Positives and positives ends of magnets just won't stick. That kinda gave me conclusion to some things.

Anyways, yay! =) so yea, anybody out there reading this page, please realize that i am different from you. Please have some grace on me, when i seem to be difficult or hard sometimes. =D Slackers be warned!

Trying to conclude this entry, what does my personality have to do with the cross beginning?

Well.... i found out dying to self is easy for me sometimes. I mean, I'll just have work at giving up on certain things in life. I'll just have to deal with my own being and may God's grace help me. Hammering the last hand onto the cross.... it is not you who hammer your own hand. You pass it on to someone else to do the last work. Make sense?

Such joy

I never knew they could bring me such joy.

They are back in the centre after a month long holiday break. Almost all of them settled back into routine rather well. It is so good having them around again. I found out that if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have travel such a distance, not even for any money paying job.

Having been with them about a year and half now, i've grown accustom to their behaviours and known them for who they are. They are a funny bunch of kids, and i love them for that! At the end of each day, i'll have a smile of contentment that they made my day. Reflecting on the funny moments at the centre, of how the child reacted or behaved, their antics and 'silliness', their cuteness and funniness, hehehe... their “it is so them” moments.

I especially love the schooling kids. They are the older group ranging from 7 to 11 years. Each of the children have their own unique personality. Remember how i was almost traumatised my the two 'screamin-at-the-top-of-their-lungs' tantrum throwing kids at my first week of work? They have the most powerful high pitched scream which could raise any dead person.... Lazarus.....or at least my bulu roma.

Anyway, those two are just funny once you know why they behave such a way. You could almost predict and see certain things coming from them, given a set of conditions. Not that i'm already expert of them, but i've come to know their personalities. Just last tues i had to put up with a boy whining pitch high at my ears. He just refused to get his work done and kept trying to get off task. Would you believe in the 45 minutes of study time, i've only managed to get him write his name. And that's all?!! He's quite smart in a sense trying to manipulate the adults with his threats of deafening cries thinking we would give in to his whimps and fancies. Even got into self injuring behaviour, of which i had two stinging tight slaps from, on my hand. Ouch! Tough battle, but lets see who will win. We've got our ear plugs ready~! Hehehe.....

And today, i was trying not to laugh as a girl unwillingly does her couting activities. I dunno why, but she suddenly burst out crying when she saw the counting worksheet. Prolly she 'misses' them, coz she hasn't been doing the worksheet in a long time or she was just complaining while crying 'why in the world am i doing this again?' It was a funny sight looking at her, coz she doesn't know how to verbally complain that she don't wanna do it, but she had to cry it out with tears and all. A friend of hers was so cute, he got a tissue box to her table and tell her 'no crying'. I never knew he could be so sensitive and so aware of his social cues.

I love the fact that i now know the children better and that i'm more confident in handling them. I remember how i used to be scared and not knowing what to do. But yea, they turn out to be children after all. They could be cheeky, naughty, rebellious, loving, innocent, blur, fun and all.

I like to see how the children progress on their academic development, from not knowing how to write their name to writing new words now. From not knowing how to handle scissors to doing cutting and paste activities. From counting to doing addition. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. =)

I also like the behaviour management. From making whinny irritating sound to knowing how to say “i want rest”. From being a whirlwind of tornado as soon as he steps into the centre to a boy who could sit down and read and greets you “hi” as soon as he steps into the centre. From a shy 'hide-my-face-in-the-pillow' to telling me about her Sabah holiday. It is a joy of knowing you are at the right place. =)

I would love to be a friend to these children. Playing and join in their little games. But i also have to remember that i am a teacher, to be the role model, to teach the right stuffs and to be of sound mind!

Many people, when i tell them what i do, they think i must have lots of patience and love. Well, i guess having those help, and i think i do have what it takes. But what i always tell them is, “Having a good sense of humour helps a lot. You must know how to laugh”.

Learning how to laugh has help me cope with my work. Many times i tell people if i don't laugh, i would have quit long time ago! (Joking! That's not the deciding factor, God leads me.) Anyway, it's good to laugh things off, even when the kids drives you up the wall or when you just feel like flushing him down the toilet, or mince him into the blender and make 'char-siew pau' or tie him to the ceiling fan and sping him round and round. Sadistic? Yea, very!

See, why i say you have to have a good sense of humour? If you don't you might just really wanna commit those acts that i mentioned. Last year i had such horrid thoughts in my head, that i couldn't believe i could have thought those thoughts. It was then i realised how real child abuse could happen to these children. They really do test your patience, some purposefully, some just being who they are.

Patience, love and all are my part to work on. What these children are rubbing into me, hopefully make me better person. I think they rub on more to me than i on them. I realized after a while of working with them my communications skills had gone down the drain. Sentence structure and intelligent talk are out of the window. For a moment i just talking in two or three words sentence. Anyways, people who do come and talk to me, please have something intelligent to talk about. Current affairs, general knowledge, bible......

Many of times i use to wonder and still wonder why such children exist. I ask God “So which part of You are in them Lord?” for He made all of us in His own image. I wonder..... i dunno which part of Him are in them. Humour maybe? 'coz i find them funny. =) i don't have the answer, but i have the faith that i'll see them in heaven. I guess these are God's special children. He knew them before they were even form in their mother's womb, He knows each one by name and the number of hairs on their head. God made them, he made them special just like you and me.

My Wish

My Wish – Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile

More then anything, more then anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small
You never need to carry more then you can hold
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too
Yeah, this, is my wish

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget
All the ones who love you, in the place you left
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake
And you always give more then you take

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small
You never need to carry more then you can hold
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too
Yeah, this, is my wish

It's Been A Year

Today I had the privilege of observing and working with a group of young adults with learning disabilities. I must say it was a good experience and it helped me look further ahead in my work….

A year back someone dear to me asked what is your success. What do you see in your future? Have you thought about your future? Don’t you want to own a house? Car? What about your children’s education? Have you ever thought of it? And so on and on the questions played like a broken record.

It’s been a year! Praise God I made it passed the year! In the beginning it was very hard. Just the traveling would kill me; often I’ll be dead tired when I step back home. At times I would also oversleep. Then worst of worst are the things that happen during traveling. I’ve endured the consistently late trains; jam packed platform, sardine trains, flooded stations and even almost fire on carriage. My life is just so happening…… ;) I used to get so depressed when things like that happen. Even the haze could get me down. And I get continuous bouts of coughs and mucouses from the children. Yea, that’s when I thought everything was against me, and maybe I made a mistake for being so stubborn for the things I believe God had led me to do. Maybe I was wrong, or maybe I did not hear right.

Anyway, a friend brought a revelation that kinda set me free from these thoughts. Thank God for good friends! What he said made sense. It’s not the first time trains have problems, it has always been like that, even if I don’t commute in them. The haze has been going on every year!! What makes me so special to think the haze got to be sent to stop me from doing whatever I’m doing? Yea…. Made sense….. =) and, I just need to take care of my health la.

Praise God that He is gracious, He had sustained me, praise God for His strength.

The children.

This month, the centre celebrated its 10^th anniversary. I am glad to be part of it. The children had opportunity to perform on stage, after spending months in practicing. It was fun doing the whole thing with them. I must say, without the hard work put in, don’t expect sweet results. But then again, it also depends on what the child might be up to on that day. It’s really kinda exciting and helps keep people on their toes. Ahh… challenges that keeps your mind working on its feet. Praise God for such wisdom that He gives.

Over the year, I’ve grown fond to the children. I even have a few favorites. No, I don’t show partiality. I’ve got this child who calls me by my name, omitting the word “teacher”, like as if calling a friend. Yea, seriously like as if an old buddy would call me. Hehehe… it wasn’t easy when I first taught him, he challenged my authority, but I guess over time, I’ve proven myself and earned the respect from him. Maybe I’m his favorite teacher too.

This is a story of another boy. When I met him last year, he is a vision of a whirlwind of storm packed into a body of 3 year old. The moment he enters the centre, all fury of a ferocious tornado spun around the centre, till the moment he leaves. Creating havoc, drowning all senses, lasting prolly for an hour half. Okay, maybe I’m making it look dramatic, but it really did felt that way. The teachers would have to put up a fight just to get him to sit down; I think I got my hair pulled too! hahaha…. Those were the days of wrestling with the child; besides having to bear with his endless whining and annoying cries.

Today when I look at him, I couldn’t believe in the vast improvement that he has made. I am just so impressed that he is communicating, reading, and his nonsense behaviours had been tamed. He’s got this cheeky face, and twinkle in his eyes; I see so much potential in him to learn many more things. From thinking “why am I assigned to teach him again?”, I now look forward to teaching him. It’s fun!

It’s just so wonderful seeing the progress of the children, knowing that they have learnt and achieve milestones. I was ecstatic when my girl actually knew how to write her own name and could cut proper circle out on paper. I was touched when I hear a boy now starting to speak, from not being vocal for the past 6 years. I am impressed to see a 4 year old girl walking compared to when she first came in last year, she was crawling on all fours. Achievements like these make me proud of what I do. It ain’t little, it’s significant.

Being at the work base today, it helped me see further into the future. It reminds me that the children won’t be children forever, they too will grow up. I look at what the young adults were doing; I couldn’t help believe that they were also little children. I wonder what kinda challenges they gave their teachers. I wonder if they threw tamper tantrums like what some of my kids are doing. I wonder if they had behaviour problem, which sometime makes me feel like hanging the kids upside down. I wonder if my children would grow up to be like the fine young adults I saw today…….

As I observe them today, I just felt so privilege to be there. I don’t think I can meet and socialize with them in the society; they’ll probably be one of the oddballs that people avoid. Besides, how would you react when you see one in the sea of strangers? You prolly wouldn’t care less, who talks to strangers anyway. So yea, it’s a privilege for me to meet them. Like the children, I am impressed with the capabilities the young adults shown. My children will learn those skills. Ordering their own meal, paying, responsible for their own work, time management, clearing and cleaning, and even exercising leadership qualities. I especially love what I saw, peer supervision. A peer guiding another who is slower, it’s just an awesome sight to me. It made me forget they had learning difficulties.

Last year, I had a chance to visit a few centre and homes. I got to see the best of best and also the ugly side of the work. In the best of the ones I saw, the centre had sheltered production workshop, packaging socks, quilting, simulated housekeeping, and even nursery. In the worst that I saw…… it was heartbreaking. People were tied to pillars, chair, and some caged…. The caged ones broke my heart; I couldn’t believe seeing such thing. It’s so easy to forget that they were human made in the image of God. The reason for these bondages is that they were deemed violent; therefore that’s the best solution to the problem. Sigh!

From the exposure trip, I see even more important awareness and education are needed for the parents and even the public. Many of times, it seems like a doom sentence to have a child with special needs. From what I see among the parents that I work with, I see the love and hard work that they put in, I truly admire their strength. I know of this petite mom whom all three children have learning disabilities. I salute her courage and strength.

Know what? It’s not all gloomy to have a special need child, though I may not be in the right position to say this. But from the many stories that I’ve read and lives that I’ve seen, parent couldn’t imagine their life without that special child. Their own special child has enriched them even more than they could imagine. I must say, it’s not only the child that is special; it’s the parent’s love and dedication that makes all the difference.

Doing what I’m doing today, I can say my life have been enriched by this group of people. In the short one year, I’ve learnt so much and experience so much. And I am no longer afraid of crying babies! hehehe….

So what’s my success?......Like what I’ve told the dear person, my success is not in owning the big bungalow or driving a big car. I may not even earn the millions or wear the branded clothes. My success is knowing that the child has learnt and the parents being thankful that somebody cared to teach.

My success? I know I had not wasted my time.

Update on Elie

I recently received an updated report from World VisionLebanon.Elie is doing well, he’s healthy and good. Praise God! Praise God that he’s safe and still alive!

Elie is my ‘son’ whom I helped sponsored through World Vision. In my previous post titled “Spare a Fifty” I’ve talked about him. He still has those big brown captivating eyes. =) anyway, I’m just glad that he’s still alive and well.

In the previous post I wrote about the war that happened last year. It really is stupid….. This year, not too long ago, I think it happened again. When I saw the paper, I didn’t want to read about it, I didn’t want to know about it. Let’s just say I was sick and tired of hearing mindless war and killing. And yea, I did pray for Elie and his family and his friends.

Earlier this year, I visited the “War Crimes” exhibition in KL. I went ‘coz I was curious about it. Hmmm…. What I saw do make me think a lot about us as humans.

What kind of a human can stoop so low to kill another of its own image? Hmm…. Do animals do that?... maybe….

I saw a lot of things exhibited there, the pictures, the dummies, the statistics, and the stories. I don’t know how to describe it. Erm…. I was….. Yea, I was thinking how it could even happen. But it did happen in history.

I can vividly remember this picture. It has a face with eyes, nose and mouth, but an expression of bewilderment shock written all over. Upon looking closer, it was the shell of a former human being. His head had been blown out from being shot at point blank, brains not there either; just the shell of his head. Yea, the picture stuck to me. So this is how a blown up guy looks like…… it was sick!

Then I visited the torture chambers, which was already well publicized in the papers and internet few years ago. I know not to condemn but pray for those sick people who did the torture. Why should such people be prayed for right?!

Then I saw the pictures of severely deformed newborns. They don’t even look like babies. Imagine how the mother felt? The whole generation was affected, just when they thought it was safe to eat and drink.

I guess most people are already numbed by the many wars and killings that have been going on. Me too, it didn’t bother me till I know someone who was affected by it.

I am just thinking. Human are such fallen nature. The only creation that was made in the image of God yet could also do such evil. Actually…. I shouldn’t be so surprised and upset, the bible recorded lots of bloodshed too. Even God Himself was killed by men. Can you imagine it? God? Whipped? Pierced? Taunted? Humiliated? Spited upon? Hit? Where got such thing?!

But there was such thing… Jesus was whipped, pierced, taunted, humiliated, spited upon, hit and so on. But how could such thing happen?

I don’t know who reads this post. Maybe you are a non Christian. Jesus’ death and resurrection is the basic foundation to a Christian’s belief. We believe that He is the Son of God and God Himself who had come to be among His creation because He loves us so. And it is His desires that none shall perish but all enter into eternal life with Him in His Kingdom.

So, how do you enter into His Kingdom? Hmm…. How a? Maybe do some little good deed. Maybe offer blood sacrifices. Maybe do some burnt offerings. Maybe give money to the poor, widow and orphaned. Maybe just not do anything and believe you’ll get to heaven anyway. =) (or maybe you don’t believe there is a God, no heaven, no hell…. Hahahaha… new-age…..)

Here’s the good news. None of the above is required. Only faith and believe that Jesus came to die for your sins and He rose again. Confess that He’s the only way to God, and ask Him to enter into your life. That’s all it takes. And if you want to know more, you should get yourself a bible. =)

Anyway, I am glad that I’ve got Jesus in my life. About praying for those who did evil here’s what He has got to say.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.” John 3:16-17

He wasn’t here to condemn but to save people from their own sins, and the penalty of sin is death. Eternity without God….. You really should get yourself a bible.

Back to my topic, killing will go on; I don’t think it’ll ever stop. I strongly disagree human taking away another human’s life, only God has the right to do that.

Anyway, Elie changed his mind. He now wants to be a journalist. I think I figured out why…….

ps:- I need to write to him soon!

..........

She could have easily lost it, the things that she treasured most, to dwell in the house of her Lord, to do the things that were placed in her path for her to do, to answer her call.

Reflecting… she found herself cornered. It was very strange; she suddenly understood the meaning of no where else to turn to but God. The image of a wide eyed cartoon cat with wet fur, sticking out of the body came to mind, back up to the corner of the wall. It looked funny, but she knew the meaning of it, she had no where else to turn to but God. She had to look up.

Through the many months of things that happened, the good and awesome and the not so good and not so awesome, she wants to do some stock check. She wants to know that she is going on the right path. She finally takes her time and reflect…… she asks, is she in she in her calling.

In the earlier months, she struggled and she struggled a lot. She thought God had abandoned her… which were silly thoughts but very true at the moment of time. Worst was thinking that she made a mistake and God was being really silent on her. All she could hear and see were the curses and not so flowery scenes.

But as she reflects…. She thank God for the grace and perseverance that somehow carried her through. Somehow she was determined to pull through and not let her God’s name be put to shame. If He had called her to do the work, surely He will have to be there for her. He had called her, so He had to better really be there for her. And so she pressed on; determined not to let anything pull her down, but to look unto God.

It is so easy to say and write about it, but when it hits you, it’s really when your faith is tested. So, what are you going to do when you experience the direct hits and hurdles? When things don’t go the way you expected it to go. When you are stretched, twisted, pulled, molded and still believing that it is for the good. When you can only look and ask why must you go through these. Seriously….what are you going to do?

Cry? Complain? Pity me? Reflecting on it, she smiles and laugh of the different struggles she went through. She did cried, she did complained, she did wallow in self pity, she did thought of “why bother, just give up”. Hahah… hard times…. She smiles ‘coz she knows she had overcome. She smiles ‘coz she know God had sustained her. She smiles ‘coz she knew of people who would encourage her.

Does she think that she has really overcome all hits and hurdles? No way! More is yet to come! Does she looks forward to it?.... No she doesn’t…. pain is a nuisance that she would rather not face. But yea, she would go through tough times willingly ‘coz she knows that’s where she needs God most and that’s where He receives all glory. So, bring it on!

Anyway, she wants to take stock. So, time has passed, things have learnt. Dreams are dreamt, visions are seen, desires have grown, and passion had spread, she stops and see… if this was what she was called to do?

Still on a journey of discovery, maybe this was what she is called to do. She prays that God would keep her heart humble and open to His calling. She prays for a learning heart, and not thinking that she has arrived. Hahaha…. But has just beginning to run the race, the course that was set for her…. Maybe this is her journey and her calling; maybe this is what was set out for her to do. Maybe….

She wonders….. many years from now on….. would she be found faithful, would she still be on track, where would she arrived to…..she wonders…..

She prays and keeps this in her heart…. The one thing she asks and desires most, is that she may dwell in the house of her Lord, all of her days.

Her Walk

She looks up from her book

She welcomes the sight of the lake

She smiles…. Knowing she has arrived

She had always looked forward to the sight

Bidding farewell to it every morning

She takes her walk

Getting her usual pancake

She says thank you and smiled

She loves the peanut and sugar and the crunch

She walks….

She walks, while enjoying the munch

Yum…..

She walks….

Reflecting her day

The children’s antics amuses her,

She laughs in her heart, she smiles

Reflecting her life

She asks for God’s grace and trust

She spends lots of time thinking,

The walk is seldom empty,

But lots of thoughts, and conversations

Lots of ponderings, and doubts

Lots of petitioning, and remembering

The crossroad is in sight,

She strains to see what colour it was,

And she starts calculating her steps,

Maybe she should keep her pace; then it’ll be the right time to cross

Maybe she should quicken the steps; just in case she was too late

Maybe she should slow down; ‘coz it was gonnna stop anyway

Maybe she should just talk her walk;

Enjoy the sky

It doesn’t matter what colour it shows, she always crosses over it anyway.

She should just take her walk…..

She walks….

She enjoys the leaves above her

The shadow dances on the street.

She looks forward to the turn

Smiling she’d soon be there

She walks…..

The familiar surrounding comes into sight,

Her heart starts to sing,

Of songs that would praise her Lord,

Of songs that she was feeling,

Of songs that was from her heart

She walks…..

She looks up to the sky,

She marvels at its vastness

And she thought to herself….

When was the last time she marveled at the blue sky?

It is so wide,

It seems infinite with no end; so big, so high, so in awe

The sun caught her eyes, the clouds spread like water paint

She marvels at the beauty….

She takes in the surrounding; enjoys the moment of admiring HIS work.

A final turn…

Her walk is nearing,

A few more steps…

She breathes the sigh of relief

She croons ‘Hi honey! How are you!’

He jumps around, greeting her happily

She smiles, pat his head, sometimes a hug…..
She is home.